Sometimes I'm Scared


Cree is my first horse, and I do realise how much of a risk it was to buy a mare and foal as my introduction to the world of horse ownership. I fell in love with this beautiful piebald mare. She has a cheeky personality, kind eyes, a perfect canter. I vowed to buy her one day, and with life being as unpredictable as it is, that day arrived a lot quicker than I could ever have imagined.

For the first month of owning her I would get to the yard at 7am, three hours before anyone else, just so that I could get the morning routine done without anyone else at the yard seeing me and realising how incompetent I was with her. I would wait until everyone had left the yard in the evening before bringing her in for the night. I was cripplingly aware of my inexperience. I felt like I had a tattoo on my forehead, a scarlet letter, stating ROOKIE for all to see.


I am having to learn new things every day, sometimes through a discreet Google search, and sometimes it is being thrown in at the deep end at the yard. Everything I do with Cree and Teddie is trial and error. I can't think of one thing that I felt confident about doing the first time round with them. Sometimes I screw up monumentally and sometimes I somehow manage to get away with my lack of knowledge. Sometimes I have the entire yard as an audience, and sometimes I am fortunately the only one who will ever know. Either way it can be excruciating.

Equestrianism has a way of tricking you into thinking that you are becoming a fountain of knowledge, and then the horses will very quickly shatter that illusion in a heartbeat. Every day I learn of something Cree loves, or hates, or will spook at. For example, recently while leading her to her paddock a new horse had been put along the route. Cree usually walks up to the paddock perfectly, this day the new horse came over and Cree freaked out, breaking away from me, galloping dangerously to her paddock and then, when she realised the gate was shut, back to her stable. I was very lucky, and so was she, that she didn't hurt herself. Or anyone else for that matter.

It is too easy to get angry at myself, or worse, angry at her, when something goes wrong. Horses are flight animals and Cree weighs 1000lb. If she decides she wants to go one way, there is very little I can do to stop her, and that can be very frustrating, especially when surrounded by some people who seem to never put a foot wrong with horses. It is easy to feel like every little thing I do is being judged, and that I am failing on every count.

I worry that I am not bonding with her as strongly as I am supposed to have done by now. I worry that I haven't spent anywhere near as much time with her as I am supposed to have done. I follow such a monotonous routine with her, that I worry that she is getting bored. With little Teddie at foot it is easier to stick to a routine, but now I feel like the golden rule of routine being good for horses, is more about it being convenient for the owner. I guess I just feel like I have so much to learn, almost too much to learn.

Kezia
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